Guilty as charged
The guilt you feel for all things big & small consume my mind constantly.
From the time they let out their very first cry you step into "mommy mode" to "make it all better." That's your job.
Provider, comforter, snuggler, booger sucker, silly song maker upper, horsie, chef, taxi driver,
Boo boo kisser, peek-a-boo player, maid, all these things, and so many more you do with a smile.
It's the wake up at 3am on a work day & baby doesn't want to go back to sleep for 2 hours. Rocking & rocking, & rocking, & just FYI there is NO compromising with a 15 month old, finally babe has shut his eyes & sleeping...aahhh!
Wait for it...
As soon as this happens the dogs are at the back door barking to be let out, which wakes the babe back up. It's now time to get ready for work.
Babes mad, wants to sleep, dogs need out, & you just want enough time to brush your teeth, put on deodorant, & somewhat fix your hair, all while holding fussy baby. Putting on clothes is also a challenge with said baby in arms because he won't let you put him down.
Now you have to get him dressed to go to daycare. This requires laying him down. Crying ensues as you dress him in record time.
Decide to leave 15-20 minutes early thinking the car ride might put him to sleep...fail.
Arrive at the daycare right after they open. Get baby out of car, grab diaper bag, get inside. Take off babies coat & hat, take him to the gym (which he hates going to). Smile, kiss, hug, tell him he's going to have a great day, pass him off to his teacher & here it comes: the lip & the tears.
Blow kisses, tell him you love him one more time, have a great day & walk away.
Get into your car, drive out of the parking lot, & let the tears roll.
GUILT.
Guilt I couldn't put him back to sleep
Guilt for being angry at the situation
Guilt for working so far away from home he has to get to daycare so early
Guilt for being ugly to the dogs
Guilt for thinking nobody cares
Guilt for things I haven't even done yet
Guilt for being selfish
Guilt for being tired...(you'd think I'd be used to this by now)
Guilt for knowing & not accepting I am not bred to be a stay at home mom
Guilt for being away from him: (Catch 22 at its finest)
So for all the coulda, woulda, shoulda's just for this scenario you can see that I have a lifetime of many more to come. Would I trade even one minute of it...NO WAY! When I see him after work ill get his smiles, & big hug, & kisses, and well start all over again as if 3am never happened & neither of us were fussy/guilty of anything.
THAT'S what makes each & everyday worth ALL the guilt I'm slowly but surely learning to deal with. I will always carry it, but it's my burden, not his. I will do all I can to shield my tears & fill him with smiles & laughter, while in my own time deal with, what only seems to be, my own insecurities, while being the best mom I can be for him & his needs. He will always come first, it's finding that "sanity" balance for me. ;)
"No one ever said it would be easy, they just said it would be worth it" I don't know who "they" are but "they" are so right!!!
For my son, c/o "Rascal Flatts",
"My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to.
Your dreams stay big, your worries stay small, you never need to carry more than you can hold. And while you're out there getting where you're getting to, I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too, yeah this, is my wish".
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